Taking Up Space in a Room

I stretch out the walls,
Allow myself a big bed, so
My toes don’t hang off the edge. 
I put my own pillows,
My plushies,
My soft blanket.
They have their own spaces.
I leave the clothes in the corner of the room,
Decorate them with the freshly stained worn outdoors.
They’ll stay there for a while.
I take a sharpie, doodle a jellyfish under my desk.
I wear big clothes, open the windows for fresh air. 
My door is a boundary, and I am the gatekeeper.
I like art, so I drew and painted and clothed.
I like jewellery, so my ears have holes.
They sparkle in my mirror, and hide under the sun.
I like notebooks, so my pages are scribbled and torn.
Perfection.
My shoes are beautiful, covered in brown scratches, 
Worn and weary. 
I leave my charger cables, my pens, my packets on the floor,
Not where they belong. I know.
But that’s where they are. 
This is where I am. 
This is mine.

As far as taking up space goes, I’ve been told I’m a presence in a room, I’ve been told I give too much room, I’ve been told I don’t give others enough. Truly, I am categorised by other people. 

I’m not perfect, nor should I be. I’m not ‘qualified’, whatever that means, but I’m worth the same as anyone else.

So I strive to make the world take me and I’ll fit completely and perfectly as I am, in the room that’s right for me.

Here are things I’ve done to take up space:

• Order something! A simple task of ordering a large, oat-milk latte with a caramel drizzle can grow your presence, with little to no negative consequences. To someone like me, that’s a step forward in recognising my own significance in a public setting. 
  
  
• Take time to think about my opinions. What do I truly believe? Whole-heartedly? Could I believe both sides of an issue to some degree? Learning your stance is crucial to taking up that space where opinions are to be heard. There’s room for you to say what you need.
  
  
• Speak up about the little things. I used to stay passive when situations I didn’t agree with happened. But now I deny people my laugh. It’s a powerful thing, and demonstrates to others that you should be respected. 
  
  
• Learn to believe that I’m precious and worthy. ‘I am a valuable commodity’ is not an instinctual stance. But giving yourself little room and others plenty sets a tone in your mind that your life is worth less. I’d doubt my place, and punish myself relentlessly with my beliefs. Now I’m accepting them as they come, those harsh thoughts, letting them flow and fizzle, and challenging the bully in my head. 
  
  
• Notice myself in public: what I say to myself, what worries me in a crowd, how I treat myself around others. Ignoring yourself can topple you in those important rooms. Nerves are allowed but don’t let them put you into despair. Focus on accommodating yourself, giving yourself space, letting yourself breathe. 
  
  
• Let myself be wrong! Being wrong is scary – as someone who is a sore loser, and less capable of stabilising my feelings, I know how difficult regulating your own emotions in stressful situations can be. However, being wrong doesn’t make you any less than the magnificent person you are. You aren’t in competition. You are as valid as the person next to you. And you deserve the space to be imperfect sometimes!
  
  
• Look after myself. This is my last tip. ‘Myself’ is a person too, completely separate from me. When I cry, when I’m angry, when I’m happy or depressed, I take a step back and look at the child in me, experiencing all those big feelings. She doesn’t know how to handle it. So step in. You don’t need to fix those emotions, you just need to be there for yourself. Be kind, be gentle, speak softly, speak truly, but most of all, speak lovingly, from the place you reserve for those you care about. Be the person you wish you had for yourself. Because you are the person you’re with the most. Because at the end of the day, giving yourself room to feel can give you space in those rooms you never thought you’d get into.